At that time, I knew I had a lot to look forward to in my life although I had experienced much for my age and background. Not many people from my small town of Shubuta, MS can say that at 26 they had matriculated through college; served in a military campaign; became an upstart employee with a growing company; and kept a criminal record all while enjoying life. I wasn't perfect by any means; at that time I would say that I was good at staying ahead of the curve. All that was fine, but on this night, I found myself in my parents' home, which I stayed from time to time when I didn't have the money to or need to drive back to my apartment some 100 or so miles away.
The real source of this moment of reflection stemmed from my job. I was working as a retail manager and had gained some sort of respect from peers and superiors for knowing my shit. It has never been a secret that I could solve most issues on the job given the proper resources or access. Yet and still I was beginning to see behind the curtain as the saying goes. I was understanding that what I desired from my career was not designed to be mine. I didn't come from the pedigree; I wasn't fitting the mold because I was too ambitious. It was not racial or gender based but something else. I didn't have "it" whatever that was. I wouldn't allow the puppeteer to string me along. I was innovative in an environment that seemed to not embrace change. Why did I have to have the "look"? As much as I was a change, I wasn't going to conform.
This thinking went on for a while until the focus switched to the thought that I had an offspring on the way. My legacy would now not end with me. Everything that I am living now will be passed along, intentional or not, to my unborn son. What the fuck? I'm not ready to explain how somethings will never be his unless he fights for it mainly due to his background. As a Black child, he's going to eventually learn the inferiority complex that we've all realized. It doesn't matter if it is right or not. It's there. No son, your mother and father were not married when you were conceived. That doesn't make you less than the next muthafucka just because their parents were married, employed, and living a well-off life. They may not even love each other. Son, I don't care if me and your mother are not together; for you, we are together. I may not be the perfect father, but I'm trying. No, I'm not trying. I'm improving. Everyday is a lesson learned.
This pity party went on until the early hours of May 5th. Just as the sun peaked above the horizon, I passed out only to wake up a few hours later. I had one more day to press through before I could run to celebrate life. It was a Saturday; by the way, who the fuck works on a Saturday night before going on vacation? Fuck you Dennis. I hope your soul rots before you die. Dressed for work, I left my parents' house irritated from the night before. My commute was going much like the night before. I had to drop this somber mood because I have to deal with the public for 8 hours. The phone rang. It was my old roommate....
Me: What up guy?
BM: Tony, Big Luke gone!
Me: Gone? Where?
BM: He's dead. He died in his sleep.Lucas was one person who I could say knew me most. Over the last 8 years of my life, we had grown close to the point that we knew each other's family. Since I had returned from Iraq, we had not had as much interaction as in the years prior. We spent many hours have verbal sparring matches discussing life and how we could overcome our obstacles. He had just completed his college courses and was looking to get his things crackin' as we would say. I would say that he would consider his new car was a step in the right direction. Things were looking up. About a month before he passed, we had a night full of discussion where I all but renounced my Faith in God. I don't remember how the conversation went, but I do remember this: "If you feel that way, why do you still fight? You could just give up."
For the next week, I would lock myself away with my pregnant girlfriend avoiding contacting friends. I didn't shed a tear; I held all that pain in because I thought that's what a man was supposed to do. Besides, the baby was coming any day now. There was a scare early in the week that turned out to be a false alarm. We spent time walking morning and evening in hopes that it would induce the labor. Nothing.
Saturday, May 12, 2007. Funeral day. About 6:00 am.
My girlfriend woke up to find out that here water had broken. It's time. The hospital was a block from the apartment; we rushed to the car and headed for labor and delivery. Pain and joy tugged at my heart. This was the greatest moment in my life so far. I wanted to be there to be supportive and to be there to hold my son for the first time. Fear made me want to forget the funeral and stay at the hospital; my heart wanted to say good bye to a dear friend. I couldn't make the decision and became more and more distant from the situation right in front of me. My girlfriend made the decision for me. "Go!" she said. Because I had left my suit at my parents I had to turn a normal 2 hour drive into a 4 hour journey of grief and anticipation. I received a play-by-play from the hospital at each point of the drive.
May 12, 2007. About 3:00 pm.
Up until this point, I had managed to control my emotions. Even standing outside the small church listening to family & friends give their views on the life of Lucas. Then the time to finally view the body before he was finally laid to rest. I have to say it felt like I was floating up to that alter. I don't know how long I stood there, but that was the breaking point. Just thinking about it, typing it is painful. Not long after I had pulled myself together, I realized that I had missed a call.
3:15 - Kaiden is here!
Lucas, brother, you will never be forgotten. For better or worse, you have been a key player in the person I have become. You and the guys showed me that even in a world that I entered with no friends, that I am not alone. For that, thank you is not enough.
Now, my task is to teach my son this lesson. I will not sleep on this job.
3:10!
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