The Darkest Week

The date was May 4, 2007. I was preparing for a much needed vacation and most importantly the birth of my son. I had recently celebrated my third year of employment with my company but couldn't help feeling like I was at a crossroad in life. Armed with a couple bottles of my favorite spirits, I was prepared to reflect on my life thus far, May 4, 2007.

At that time, I knew I had a lot to look forward to in my life although I had experienced much for my age and background. Not many people from my small town of Shubuta, MS can say that at 26 they had matriculated through college; served in a military campaign; became an upstart employee with a growing company; and kept a criminal record all while enjoying life. I wasn't perfect by any means; at that time I would say that I was good at staying ahead of the curve. All that was fine, but on this night, I found myself in my parents' home, which I stayed from time to time when I didn't have the money to or need to drive back to my apartment some 100 or so miles away.

The real source of this moment of reflection stemmed from my job. I was working as a retail manager and had gained some sort of respect from peers and superiors for knowing my shit. It has never been a secret that I could solve most issues on the job given the proper resources or access. Yet and still I was beginning to see behind the curtain as the saying goes. I was understanding that what I desired from my career was not designed to be mine. I didn't come from the pedigree; I wasn't fitting the mold because I was too ambitious. It was not racial or gender based but something else. I didn't have "it" whatever that was. I wouldn't allow the puppeteer to string me along. I was innovative in an environment that seemed to not embrace change. Why did I have to have the "look"? As much as I was a change, I wasn't going to conform.

This thinking went on for a while until the focus switched to the thought that I had an offspring on the way. My legacy would now not end with me. Everything that I am living now will be passed along, intentional or not, to my unborn son. What the fuck? I'm not ready to explain how somethings will never be his unless he fights for it mainly due to his background. As a Black child, he's going to eventually learn the inferiority complex that we've all realized. It doesn't matter if it is right or not. It's there. No son, your mother and father were not married when you were conceived. That doesn't make you less than the next muthafucka just because their parents were married, employed, and living a well-off life. They may not even love each other. Son, I don't care if me and your mother are not together; for you, we are together. I may not be the perfect father, but I'm trying. No, I'm not trying. I'm improving. Everyday is a lesson learned.

This pity party went on until the early hours of May 5th. Just as the sun peaked above the horizon, I passed out only to wake up a few hours later. I had one more day to press through before I could run to celebrate life. It was a Saturday; by the way, who the fuck works on a Saturday night before going on vacation? Fuck you Dennis. I hope your soul rots before you die. Dressed for work, I left my parents' house irritated from the night before. My commute was going much like the night before. I had to drop this somber mood because I have to deal with the public for 8 hours. The phone rang. It was my old roommate....

Me: What up guy?

BM: Tony, Big Luke gone!

Me: Gone? Where?

BM: He's dead. He died in his sleep.

 Lucas was one person who I could say knew me most. Over the last 8 years of my life, we had grown close to the point that we knew each other's family. Since I had returned from Iraq, we had not had as much interaction as in the years prior. We spent many hours have verbal sparring matches discussing life and how we could overcome our obstacles. He had just completed his college courses and was looking to get his things crackin' as we would say. I would say that he would consider his new car was a step in the right direction. Things were looking up. About a month before he passed, we had a night full of discussion where I all but renounced my Faith in God. I don't remember how the conversation went, but I do remember this: "If you feel that way, why do you still fight? You could just give up."

For the next week, I would lock myself away with my pregnant girlfriend avoiding contacting friends. I didn't shed a tear; I held all that pain in because I thought that's what a man was supposed to do. Besides, the baby was coming any day now. There was a scare early in the week that turned out to be a false alarm. We spent time walking morning and evening in hopes that it would induce the labor. Nothing.

Saturday, May 12, 2007. Funeral day. About 6:00 am.

My girlfriend woke up to  find out that here water had broken. It's time. The hospital was a block from the apartment; we rushed to the car and headed for labor and delivery. Pain and joy tugged at my heart. This was the greatest moment in my life so far. I wanted to be there to be supportive and to be there to hold my son for the first time. Fear made me want to forget the funeral and stay at the hospital; my heart wanted to say good bye to a dear friend. I couldn't make the decision and became more and more distant from the situation right in front of me. My girlfriend made the decision for me. "Go!" she said. Because I had left my suit at my parents I had to turn a normal 2 hour drive into a 4 hour journey of grief and anticipation. I received a play-by-play from the hospital at each point of the drive.

May 12, 2007. About 3:00 pm.

Up until this point, I had managed to control my emotions. Even standing outside the small church listening to family & friends give their views on the life of Lucas. Then the time to finally view the body before he was finally laid to rest. I have to say it felt like I was floating up to that alter. I don't know how long I stood there, but that was the breaking point. Just thinking about it, typing it is painful. Not long after I had pulled myself together, I realized that I had missed a call.

3:15 - Kaiden is here!

Lucas, brother, you will never be forgotten. For better or worse, you have been a key player in the person I have become. You and the guys showed me that even in a world that I entered with no friends, that I am not alone. For that, thank you is not enough.

Now, my task is to teach my son this lesson. I will not sleep on this job.

3:10!

 

 

 

 

Get Well My Brothers and Sisters

The hot topic for the past year or so has been the push for a united health care or some type of health care reform. I will not make myself an expert on the topic of government politics or will I take a clear cut side on the issue. I will speak on what I know to be true and have seen in my little time on this planet called Earth. I may be delusional in my thoughts, but I want to keep with the essence of my thoughts.

There are people in this great country; young and old, that are physically and mentally on the verge of crisis the sad part is that they do not know or do not know how to deal with the issue. We know of diabetes, hypertension, and obesity to name a few and the consequences that come with them. There are so many other common dysfunctions, for instance sleep apnea, that we have heard of and may or may not know the symptoms. Even when we do know signs, we cannot diagnose and treat ailments fully. Seeking qualified medical help is a must to get the full effect of treatment.

Getting down to the facts of life, treatment of any ailment begins with a diagnosis. Sometimes we over look the fact that going prolonged times without treating an illness can lead to others down the line. Using as an example an obese person that continues his/her unhealthy lifestyle can invite other attackers on the body. Linked to obesity are the aforementioned sleep apnea, diabetes, respiratory issues and heart failure. For some, the cure for obesity is adopting a healthy lifestyle to include diet and exercise, but once obesity's buddies have joined the party, it becomes harder to make those changes for a whole new set of rules are in play. Exercise is hard for someone who has trouble breathing during physical activities; it's also hard to get the energy to exercise when one is not getting the proper sleep during nights.

Now that an individual has determined that medical treatment is the only option in order to see favorable results. Here's where the trouble comes to play. Medical specialist are trained treat all ailments within their scope of specialty (usually one or two) and defer to a different specialist for any issue outside of his/her expertise. And we know that each physician charges a fee just to meet, greet, and shoot the breeze with you much less any examination. This means treating multiple issues can become costly, but we all know this. This leads people to make a decision on which treatment that is best to be pursued. One may select which ever treatment that helps the most; maybe getting adequate rest will help him/her have the energy needed to exercise properly and focus on a consistent diet. Costs also influence that decision; maybe it's less expensive to seek weight consultation and training.

The example given is only one of the many that can occur. The disconnect facing many Americans is finding the qualified knowledge needed. For many, just going to a family doctor is a financial burden that cannot be handled. Children are taken care of in cases where available, but once they are adults or no longer eligible to be covered by what ever health plan they grew up with, life is completely different. Different factors come into play for teens and young adults; new stresses and demands cause an array of problems that may not be addressed by the plans that cover(ed) them. For those not covered by any form of health care, there is little to any hope of finding reasonable consultation that is affordable. How then have these issues been handled?

For the most part, individuals and groups have sought to reach those that cannot receive assistance on his or her own. Free clinics and health fairs, educational sessions, on-site nurses and physicians, etc are methods that are used to bring the knowledge to those in the community that have been lacking for one reason or another. Programs are funded for certain treatments and study of diseases and dysfunctions. The simple fact: we are taking all of these steps, but still there are citizens that cannot and will not receive attention for all that they need addressed. Preventive steps are great for those that have no conditions but do little to nothing for those with them.

The bottom line of this rambling, as it may be called by some, is that the difference between knowing there is a problem and having the problem solved is dollars on end, but the decision to follow through is a life or death decision. I know this because I witnessed a friend live this very kind of decision. I'm no expert; I call it like I see it.