Bobby the Bible Basher (That Shit Don't Go Together)

I was given the rather unpleasant opportunity (pleasant for some) to sit in on a biblical discussion while partaking in a Waffle House brunch recently. In the past, I would have welcomed the occasion, but I've since grown to be nothing more than irritated by the back-and-forth of so-called Bible scholars on the meaning and importance of text that is constantly taken out of context and only used in pieces rather than the whole to tell what is expected of us people of Earth.

Unrelated books

No matter which Christian background one has, it must be first understood that there are different versions of the Bible that contain a different assortment of books. Just like with anything, the men of the time could not agree on which historical texts were relevant to teaching the word. Also, it is not to be mistaken that access to translations were not readily available to the decision makers of that time. Yet and still, the Book of the Bible is little more than a series of unrelated books that tell a convenient similar story of the ancient world.

I can't simply get over this point. Let's say each of the jurors in the George Zimmerman case wrote a tell-all book on their view of the case and image of Mr. Zimmerman. Many years later, a group of "scholars" translate the text and review it only to select the 3 or 4 books that portray GZ in a positive manner without regard that each writer is influence by her own perception of life. The others are thrown out as being irrelevant and lacking credibility leading the future generations to believe that GZ is more of a hero than the actual piece of shit that he's living up to today. All of our evidence to the fact that his decisions were questionable wouldn't be debated because anything to the contrary is not worthy of scrutiny.

Holy rollers also like to string together different verses from several bodies of work to prove a point. This method is ridiculous simply because each verse is in the context of a different message. So while each piece may tell of the goodness of God, it is told from different angles that when used in full context could paint a different image altogether. My point:

In the Book of R. Kelly; Chapter: Down Low (Nobody Has To Know); Verse 3 reads:

"Beautiful you are but you're his by far/Coming by my way driving his fancy car"

Now let's go over to William De Vaughn; Chapter: Just Be Thankful; Verse 2 reads:

"You may not have a car at all/But remember brothers and sisters/You can still stand tall/Just be thankful for what you've got"

 So even though Kels is a dirt bag, you should stand tall and take that woman who's spoken for because your broke ass don't have a car. Now keep it on the down low and be thankful for what you got.

Bobby the Bible Basher: Your Word is Unchanging

First off, I detest people who make this argument. Secondly, it's double if you are a woman making this argument. It's so funny to me that certain instructions in the Bible are set in stone, while other's can be disregarded due to the change in times. I refuse to hear the discussion that none of the biblical teachings have been modified to be more modern.So here we go...

Unchanging Word

Madam, since the word is so unchanging, I need you to get back to the crib and go to work for your husband. How dare you be out here on social media; you don't have time for leisure. Not married, I need for you to make sure you're getting those wifely skills up to par so that you can satisfy those duties when the day comes. See: Proverbs 31: 10 - 31 (I'm sure you've read that though.)

If the Word is so unchanging, why is it that only certain books were selected for the Bible when there are numerous passages that were written during biblical times, and what are biblical times? Did God stop speaking to the souls of men after some point? Oh yes, God is all knowing. Where is his instructions on Internet infidelity or any other new age issue? He knew it was coming as well as the fact that only a small percentage of his instruction would be included in the book that would serve as the basis for a religion that is the one TRUE way to heaven. I need to know if eating ass is godly or not.

The Cuban B

So at some time we determined that it was cool that women should have a right too. I'm all for that; I'm not sure the Bible agrees since it has very little support for the female gender doing anything other being supporters. Saying that, can't the same be said for homosexuality? What about mental health? I saw a child the other day that was born with what would be termed as a mental disorder. I'm sure the Bible would classify that as being possessed by demons. Where's Jesus or his disciples to rebuke the demons? As I read more, priest were groomed for life to be religious leaders. Today, anyone can live a life of debauchery then have an epiphany, or be called, same difference. I guess experience is the best teacher. Get the fuck out of here.

Elderly Advice

She mentioned seeking the advice of the elderly and parents. Let's just say, religious or not, it's always better to take advice from someone who realized they fucked up or even someone who succeeded. If your parents are a bunch of habitual screw ups, I don't think it's wise to listen to them. Your parents aren't the gold standard on all advice just because they raised you. My parents could never advise me on what it took to matriculate through college since neither of them did; they could tell me the struggle of life without a college degree or education when holding a family together. I've told you jerks that just because someone is your elder doesn't make them a good source of motivation. We all grew up with some dumb asses; one day they will be old. Will you allow them to mentor your children? I mean they will be elders right?

What I need you to do Ms. Baker - Davis is take the hyphen out of your name; quit whatever career you're pursuing; and get your ass back in the house so you can be the "Good Wife" like God intended you to be.

Bobby has spoken.

P.S. Mr. Hooker, you're a bitch nigga.

Bobby the Bible Basher: Same Sex Slander

Dear Holier-Than-Thou "Person of God",

So same sex marriage is on your agenda this time. I find your actions interesting. You tend to go after the trendy opponents. This fact really disgusts me. Let's see you have been anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-civil rights, anti-women's rights, pro-slavery, pro-rebellion... Shall I go on?

Allow me to random as I have no organized points but much beef in my heart with you Bible toting bastards that feel you have been ordained to banish both individuals and groups to hell by the Almighty Himself. You are the scum of the Earth.

Same Sex Debate

Never mind the fact that the government owes you no favors. Although you may assume that many of the United States lawmakers are on your side, when in fact they are free of any religious obligations when making decisions for the better of a country of some 300 million people (about 228 million of which are recognized as Christian believers fuck the other 72 million though). Anyway let's get on this same sex marriage issue.

Your #1 concern is that it is an abomination to God. Well news flash, you are an abomination to God. Since Adam and Eve, human kind has been destined to sin all while longing for the love of God. Many seek him, but only a few will be chosen. So let's do the math, Christianity is the world's top religion. Sounds like you're winning, but based on the Word that you live by over half of you are destined for hell no matter how you slice it. Last time I checked, few and minority went hand and hand. Strike one.

Leviticus...Your weapon of mass discussion. I love how you all Cuban B the fuck out of Chapter 18 verse 8 where it mentions "other wives". But isn't polygamy frowned upon? Not in this context. Chapter 20 starts by saying that no one outside of the tribe of Israel is allowed to practice these laws. Fuck, that discounts everything else because so few of you are descendants of  the tribe. Oh yea and intermingling with other tribes was a sin as well. I guess all you half-breeds are out as well. I shouldn't have to go on but what the hell.

It is so comical how you choose your battles over these abominations though. Check out a few that you disregard for the most part:

• evil thoughts (what no man knows cannot be judged)
• cross dressing (I find it funny how many church goers co-sign Tyler Perry, but don't know about this one)
• charging interest on a loan (shout out to Sallie Mae)
• lying

That's enough for now, I'll be back to discuss your main man, Paul; the man that taught that the laws of Moses and the Old Testament were pretty much null and voided by the birth of Jesus. Remember, no one outside of the tribe of Israel had a right to the Kingdom before then. Hey that's your book; you should read it someday. By the way, shouldn't you be trying to convert people to Jesus through love? That's what I was taught. I'm just a nigga that reads; I don't know shit.