I woke up this morning, and although I said a small prayer to give thanks for another day, anyone watching would not have noticed. There was no ritualistic prep or pose; just a quick moment that passes with a blink of an eye. This has been a habit of mine for years, but it hasn't always been that way. I once desired to study the Word and strive to live "right". No asking for miracles and blessings these days. I now give thanks and look for understanding. So many factors have led to this change in view of faith.
Faith can be described as a belief in something without any proof. All of my life, I have been taught that faith is the cornerstone to Christian belief. Admitting faith alone is not enough to achieve salvation; one has to live faithfully. Doing as we have been told without questioning meaning; seeking understanding only as a means to do our duties as planned by our Higher Power, and always submitting to the Will of God even when our motivations conflict with His ultimate plan. Living life by this mean is difficult when we consider that apparently humans are created flawed, sinners.
Fate, on the other hand, is the principle that an event or series of events are predetermined and thus unavoidable. This too is played out in the Christian belief structure. Christians are taught that Old Testament of the Bible stands as a series of books foreshadowing the coming of Christ. The events detailed from Genesis to Malachi were set in stone from "In the beginning...." Every good soul and every hardened heart were allowed by God in order for His will to progress.
Some would call me one of little faith, because now I'm one confused individuals. I being told that all the good that comes into my life is provided by God as a reward to give me joy, but the pain I feel is a part of a test that God allows to make my spirit stronger. Think on this, God allowed for evil to come into our life as a test; during these times, our faith is being tested. This doesn't matter if we're considered a faithful person beforehand (see The Book of Job). In other words, pray for sunshine all you want, but one day it sure will rain. Keep your umbrella close.
I've gone back to read the Bible to note a few characters that were doomed to fail regardless of how they lived their life. This can be true whether the reader takes the Good Book literal or not. The Egyptian pharaoh and Judas played key roles in God's plan. Even Adam & Eve were designed with flaw. No matter what, someone had to fill the shoes of these historical figures to move the story along. Throughout the book, there are tales of people who fell short of God's glory, or did they?
Still confused, but a since of clarity has passed through this head of mine. There are some days that I am a blessing to those that I contact; others, I am a menace. It is not my choice to determine which I will be today. I can only do has been planned for the day. No matter how many times I pray to do right, I will still pour a glass of alcohol and spit vulgar words to help describe my disgust with my day. I can set out to be the most evil muthfucka this side of glory, and I still will try to help my race be better than the stereotypes.
This is too much to think about. Lord, teach me to understand as you carry out your plan. Amen.
"I am a sinner. Who's probably gonna sin again. Lord forgive me; Lord forgive me. Things I don't understand. Sometimes I need to be alone. Bitch, don't kill my vibe." -Kendrick Lamar
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